Conversations That Matter

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once stated, “I am convinced that men hate each other because they fear each other. They fear each other because they don't know each other, and they don't know each other because they don't communicate with each other, and they don't communicate with each other because they are separated from each other.”

Dr. King was way ahead of his time with his assessment. Americans have been grotesquely divided by media news outlets, social media platforms, and technology in general. Our noses are buried in our phones, yet we don’t use them to speak to one another. Virtual meetings connect us visually but are a poor substitute for in-person, face-to-face conversation. We’ve become isolated from others, which has led to suspicion and mistrust. People are being fed misinformation from biased sources; they believe absurd things to be true because we are so distanced and self-absorbed that we no longer know each other.

This lack of authentic communication threatens our nation’s civic and social health. We are one country, impacted by and connected to each other. We are at our best when we address problems and issues as one country, as we did when we liberated Europe from fascism in World War II. This does not mean we must be always in lockstep. Instead, we must appreciate that each of us brings a unique piece to the American tapestry. Therefore, while we may see things differently, we have a common thread: our shared humanity.

Conversations That Matter: How Americans Can Talk About Tough Issues and Become United represents the sum of my life’s work. I am on a mission to instruct citizens on how to effectively engage in constructive and respectful discussions, even amidst deep disagreement. My goal is to empower citizens to take an active role in safeguarding our future, simply by bringing them to the table to participate in active communication: listening, learning, and yes, laughing. As my two anecdotes in the prior section demonstrate, it’s impossible to dislike someone when you are enjoying a good laugh together.

My book is for anyone who has experienced one or more of the following thoughts and circumstances:

I already have firm political views and am never going to change my mind. Why should I engage with someone who thinks differently?
I don’t understand how some people can support such unethical politicians. Doesn’t that say something about their character and justify my avoiding them?
I love my childhood friend, but over the last twenty years her views have become so extreme. How can I convince her she’s wrong without ending our friendship?
One of my most lucrative clients just made a racial slur and defended it by saying, “The President said it in a speech, so there’s nothing wrong with it.” My team is offended and wants me to deal with the client, which might cause him to fire us and cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue. How do I ask the client to apologize without jeopardizing the business?
My elderly uncle has always been “out there” in his political views. Now he’s spreading all kinds of conspiracy theories and misinformation. I want to say something, but I don’t want to upset him.
I recently posted something about believing that Woody Allen is innocent of child molestation. All my liberal friends attacked me and have been canceling me, even though I agree with them on virtually every other issue. What can I do to clear my name and win back my friendships?
I’m Jewish and a huge supporter of Israel—but I don’t always agree with the country’s politics and military actions. Whenever I tell a couple of my Zionist friends that I feel sorry for the plight of innocent Palestinians who aren’t part of terrorist organizations such as Hamas, they accuse me of being “anti-Israel” and an “anti-Semite.” How do I explain my views without being labeled and attacked?

Conversations That Matter stands out as one of the few books that breaks down the barriers that we’ve created amongst ourselves. My goal isn’t to teach people how to prove that other individuals are wrong. This approach is unproductive and only causes extremists to dig their heels in further and become more adversarial. Rather, I instruct readers on how to engage in challenging conversations that are rooted in mutual trust and respect, which automatically takes the temperature down and brings people together. Essentially, how to become comfortable being uncomfortable in these conversations. By acknowledging the importance of having uncomfortable conversations and learning how to navigate them effectively, we also quiet our internal chatter and anxiety caused by daily news cycles that make us feel like the United States is imploding.

My primary thesis is that debate, disagreement, and protest are vital elements of a healthy democracy. As Utah Governor Spencer Cox said, “Rather than suggest we need more civility or bipartisanship in our politics—both good things—I wanted to convey that what we need even more is to disagree differently and that healthy conflict is an important prerequisite for good policy. Toxic conflict is bad, but the lack of conflict is also bad…. Americans need to disagree better. And by that, we don’t mean we need to be nicer to each other, although that’s helpful. We need to learn to disagree in a way that allows us to find solutions and solve problems instead of endlessly bickering.”
Conversations That Matter is intended as a practical, prescriptive, and philosophical work. I do not take sides, preach, or judge. I tackle my thesis by addressing how to:

Set your intention for engaging in an uncomfortable conversation?
Initiate conversation with someone whose views are diametrically opposed to yours?
Present your point of view without conveying a negative or condescending attitude or tone?
Ask probing questions without offending the other person?
Maintain your composure during an uncomfortable conversation?
Distinguish fact from fiction and bias in the news?
Prevent political news from upsetting you and distracting you from the things that matter in your life?
Choose an activism lane that serves your community and doesn’t take a toll on your mental health?
Resist judging others during or after a challenging conversation?
Respond if you are attacked or canceled for expressing an opinion?
Handle social media and the onslaught of extreme perspectives?
Continue the dialogue after an uncomfortable conversation?

Along with practical steps and strategies, my 60,000-word book introduces readers to numerous inspirational individuals who share their first-hand stories of helping people overcome being seen as the other. Readers will feel as if they have a seat on my bus as they hear the experiences of many of my group participants and interviewees. For these reasons and more, Conversations That Matter is an indispensable tool for anyone who seeks us to move us past our current quagmire of political, social, cultural, and economic discord. As President Abraham Lincoln is believed to have said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand.”